Failure is a funny thing. Though It happens to us all it makes us each choose how we will respond. One person decides that it means “that didn’t work” and chooses to ask questions about the process, the outcome, and the next time around. This person has a growth mindset and a healthy relationship with failure. “Failure is feedback” goes the mantra in Neurolinguistic programming, or NLP. The reason for that mantra is that it’s not the only choice we can make.
Another person experiences a failure and decides that it means THEY are a failure. This shame-based approach fires off a storm of negative self-talk that both vilify your identity and victimizes your agency. Those that ARE a failure have an excuse for not acting, and a reason not to. It’s incredibly disempowering.
When we decide “A” failure means “WE” are a failure we attach meaning to our identity. This can only lead to one thing, self-protection. Self-protection will inhibit action, deflect responsibility and ultimately lead to frustration, complaining, and cynicism.
Have you ever noticed that those who complain, criticize, and scoff at change are usually afraid of it? That fear is because they have made a habit of deciding a failure was their fault rather than their responsibility. A failure is your responsibility to learn from. The only evidence you’ve learned from a failure is an improved next try!
So where do you stop? You stop at “That failed” and then you start to get curious. Curiosity with the intent of improvement, generosity, and progress will always lead to better attempts and wisdom from the poor ones.
If you find yourself not knowing when to stop with failure, you’re not alone. For many people disconnecting their identity and self talk from failure events is hard. It seems like it’s automatic and pervasive. Having a trusted third party help you get curious is a great first step.
This is what we do in coaching relationships. We ask a coach to check our blind spots, filter our self-talk and shine the light on what has previously gone unchecked. It’s eye-opening and revolutionary for many to gain this level of awareness and empowerment. When you’re ready to commit to that journey get in touch. Helping people find an entirely better life experience is my passion. It starts with knowing when to stop.
Blessings.
Bryan